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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of the old “magic.”

Wow!”, I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”

She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge. “Yeah” I said, “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

“Anyway,” she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, “Where are the dildos?”
The clerk points and says, “On the wall over there.”
She looks and says, “I want one of the red ones.”
The salesman says, “No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher.”

Some of these are old but still funny.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…………..”

LOL, sad but true.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry! I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see whatyour monkey did now?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.” :)

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Suppose that every day, 10 men go out for dinner. The bill for all 10 comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men — the poorest —would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18, and the 10th man — the richest — would pay $59. That’s what they
decided to do.

The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day the owner threw them a curve (in tax language, a tax cut).

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20.”

So now dinner for the 10 only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free.

But what about the other six men, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his own “fair share”?

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal.

So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so the fifth man now paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the 10th man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59. Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the 10 customers began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man, pointing to the 10th. “But he got $7!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man, “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got seven times more than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the 10th and beat him up. The next night he didn’t show up for dinner (or, in the real world, he took his business out of the country), so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered a little late what was very important. They were $52 short of paying their bill!

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An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to the doctor.” He replies
“Are you sick?”
“No” says the man, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He looks at her puzzled and asks, “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to the doctor too.” She says.
“Why?”
She looks right at him and points to his dick, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

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An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know: did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses, “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man is shaken; the reality of what his wife admitted hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

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A great cartoon a friend sent me.

LOL, this is so funny I had to share it with you. It’s an animated 2008 Presedential Election spoof. Check it out. 2008 Election.